i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I have post one night stand depression
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
