I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
