I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
