so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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