how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
