All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
