dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
