Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
