i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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