she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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