I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
