Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
