Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
