Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
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