some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
