before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize