I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
