everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
