I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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