Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
