There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
