??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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