I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
