this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i drank out of a bidet.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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