I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
