I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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