i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I said "one day" and that day is not today
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize