Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
