The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
