shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
