Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
