I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
