I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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