Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
