it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize