Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize