my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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