I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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