I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
