I wish I could punch you in the face.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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