he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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