I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
