Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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