I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize