why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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