I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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