saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
time to smoke my breakfast
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
