No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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