i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize