Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
