Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
