His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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