So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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