Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize