My friends, they love my intelligence
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
