Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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